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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27517396">this is no sin</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nombre_appelido/pseuds/nombre_appelido'>nombre_appelido</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Catholic Guilt, F/F, Gay, No Lesbians Die, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery &amp; Symbolism</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-08 04:55:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>675</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27517396</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nombre_appelido/pseuds/nombre_appelido</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
      <p>not sure if marking it as mature was really necessary but better safe than sorry</p>
<p>for memento_mori, bibabybi, weaver, and tnkt, for good writing and excessive compliments</p>
    </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>this is no sin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Memento__Mori/gifts">Memento__Mori</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bibabybi/gifts">Bibabybi</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWeaverofWorlds/gifts">TheWeaverofWorlds</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/TNKT/gifts">TNKT</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>not sure if marking it as mature was really necessary but better safe than sorry</p>
<p>for memento_mori, bibabybi, weaver, and tnkt, for good writing and excessive compliments</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>prayer in a cathedral.</p>
<p>the soft skin and passionate kisses of my girlfriend.</p>
<p>prayer.</p>
<p>kisses.</p>
<p>prayer.</p>
<p>fingers.</p>
<p>father, absolve me of my sin.</p>
<p>love.</p>
<p>holy mary, mother of god.</p>
<p>sighs. moans.</p>
<p>pray for us sinners.</p>
<p>heavy breathing.</p>
<p>now, and at the hour of our death,</p>
<p>the high.</p>
<p>amen.</p>
<p>we nap together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>the holiness of the lord surrounds me, both in his holy places and in the arms of my lover.</p>
<p>i count every freckle. i count every blemish.</p>
<p>i catalogue every inch, every centimeter. she holds me. i sleep safely in her arms.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i kneel before the pew, i cross myself, silently reciting the words.</p>
<p>in nomine patris, et filii, et spritus sancti.</p>
<p>the father, the head. the son, the stomach, the holy spirit, the shoulders.</p>
<p>i pray as i look up to the stained glass.</p>
<p>the holy christ and the immaculate conceptee, the holy virgin.</p>
<p>the glass holds a message.</p>
<p>emmanuel.</p>
<p>god with us.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>goddamn, i whisper.</p>
<p>her kisses light me within.</p>
<p>soft, soft, soft, then flame.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>it's a drowsy sunday afternoon.</p>
<p>she holds me. we cuddle.</p>
<p>it's sacrilege, but this is my church.</p>
<p>i love god, but he doesn't kiss me.</p>
<p>he doesn't make me gasp his name.</p>
<p>my holy place is the soft spot underneath her jaw where i bury my nose.</p>
<p>my call to prayer is her gentle laugh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i take communion, and think of the transfiguration. the body, become food.</p>
<p>and then, because i am a child, and unholy,</p>
<p>i think of a body that tastes so sweet i could eat it for every meal.</p>
<p>no nutrients, though, and a bit acidic and fruity, but it's her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>my chance for the unholy communion comes soon after.</p>
<p>you know, if jesus was this thankful, i'd take communion every day.</p>
<p>she shudders. she screams. her eyes roll back and i think--</p>
<p>what good is the louvre if it has no painting of this?</p>
<p>michelangelo and rafael should get on it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>the lord giveth, and the lord taketh away.</p>
<p>a year and a half of heaven,</p>
<p>but all good things come to an end.</p>
<p>it was an amicable parting.</p>
<p>we rarely fought, and it was never anything important.</p>
<p>we were 16. there's nothing important to fight about.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>at first, i turn to god.</p>
<p>no, he doesn't kiss me, but maybe that's for the best.</p>
<p>he doesn't leave me either.</p>
<p>i work in the church, both to absolve my sin and to forget. i had reminders of our date nights. i still haven't deleted them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>glittering smile, russet hair, emerald eyes.</p>
<p>we giggle like schoolgirls, because we are.</p>
<p>we sneak around, kissing in her parent's apartment.</p>
<p>at first it's fun.</p>
<p>but it gets old, and we calm down.</p>
<p>we kiss in her lake house.</p>
<p>we do more than that.</p>
<p>i like her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>jesus is disapproving.</p>
<p>he hopes that i've changed, that it was only a phase.</p>
<p>it's not. it's just me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>mary is silent.</p>
<p>she understands an unwanted life, a difficult role too young.</p>
<p>i sense that she would have shrugged her stone shoulders and said,</p>
<p>"it's your life".</p>
<p> </p>
<p>the father is the coldest of all.</p>
<p>the thunderbolt he holds seems destined for me.</p>
<p>i'm not scared of him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>jesus gets over it, and so does my girl's parent.</p>
<p>we got caught. it was awkward, but they didn't mind much.</p>
<p>"wait till i'm not here," they said.</p>
<p>she groaned. "dad, get out!"</p>
<p>i laughed. my parents would not be so forgiving.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>one day my brother comes home.</p>
<p>he takes me for ice cream.</p>
<p>"you like girls."</p>
<p>he's always been so direct.</p>
<p>"yeah."</p>
<p>he hugs me. we're all right.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i never do tell my parents.</p>
<p>i just send them a wedding invitation 15 years later, telling them my girl and i are getting married.</p>
<p>they don't rsvp, but i save them seats anyway, and get my mother chicken and my father beef pasta.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>the day comes.</p>
<p>they show.</p>
<p>they look at me and my wife, glowing beside me.</p>
<p>"this is no sin," my mother says. my father nods.</p>
<p>we hug each other.</p>
<p>things are good.</p>
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